Friday Etiquette Note: I Don't Mean to ...

This blog is not the word police, so I will refrain from the pretense of labeling this another "misused words" entry. Instead, I’ll call it a misapplication of social niceties. When you say, for example,

I don’t mean to be rude, but ...

I don’t mean to interrupt, but ...

I don’t mean to criticize you, but ...

You are really saying:

I’m going to be rude.

I shall interrupt you now.

Now that you have voiced an opinion that is contrary to my own, or embarked on a course of action that disadvantages me, I will mock you and ridicule you in front of the other people in the room.

The important error here is that your formal attempt to be polite is not matched by your actions. Civilized behavior cannot be, and never is, a matter of covering up ugly deeds with pretty rituals. Instead, you should acknowledge the affront and apologize for it: "I’m sorry to be rude. I’m sorry to interrupt. I wish I didn’t have to call you a wretched human being with dangerous ideas, but it has to be said."

An even better choice is to move away from politeness and enter a higher realm: That of politics. Don’t be rude; be nice. Become a confidant, even, until you learn a nasty secret about him or her that you can spread among everyone you know. Wait for someone to finish without interrupting, and then you will have all the time in the world to prove that person wrong.

(I will not be posting an etiquette note every Friday. Just on etiquette-friendly Fridays.)

(There may very well be a Miss Manners column unknown to me that says almost exactly what I just wrote, and if so, I don’t mean to steal her thunder.)

Comments

[Atreyu]

The point of making a rude, but necessary remark is to get the recipient to change his ways. A little sugar-coating always helps to break the ice and prep the recipient for some truth.